Cyprus
They're both such fucking liabilities, Jesus (editor’s note: ‘they’ are Lucas and Babak, my two closest friends, and we’re on our way to visit another of my closest friends- Christiana- in her native Cyrpus). Babak's shit all fell out of his bag in security and he keeps meowing. We’re getting burger King now. I just asked the gentlemen if they think you can bathe topless in Cyprus and their responses were exactly as you’d expect: Lucas- why wouldn't you? What the fuck? (he didn't clock that I meant women); Babak- yes, I’ve searched it, theres a nudist beach nearby too. He's also searched for brothels and strip clubs. He just asked if Lucas smelled him; about right.
We’re on the plane now and I’m listening to a new album, ‘Immunity’ by Clairo. At first it seemed a bit feminine for my tastes, but by the end I thoroughly enjoyed it. I may now be a Clairo convert.
Covid travelling was something else.
I also read the first part of waiting for Godot. It was about as bat shit as I'd expected and, as such, it was right up my street. I also started season 2 of the boys; quality show.
Our host is brain dead but we made it in the end. We unpacked, tried to set up Lucas' fire stick and soon realised he' forgot the shitting remote. We are attempting to remedy this now. Failed.
We got some kebabs with donner-style meat and chips inside pitta. Bit of a game changer in my opinion.
Chris and her pal, Eirini, came over and everyone seemed to hit it off. I’m very pleased about this.
Lucas spilled loads of water while simultaneously telling me not to mind the spillage.
"We need to have a debate max, who's got the thicker ass, me or Babak,” said Lucas, obviously.
I’m desperately trying to sleep now because we have to be up at 8 am. Its currently 3.19. I just remembered there are fucking loads of cats everywhere, airport cats, apartment cats, etc. My kind of country.
Heading to the supermarket this morning. Babak sliced his toe open by pure blunt force trauma whilst tripping over. We spent 103 squids at the shop. Suited and booted now, though.
We showered and got ready, then Chris came over. She took us to a beach club that looked incredibly prestigious. No entry fee though, only a temperature check. The beach was stunning, clear blue water, no seaweed, no litter and fish swimming around. Plenty of sun loungers, table service, what more could you possibly ask for? No threat of robbery either, just perfection. We went for a swim; the best way to describe the water's temperature would be that of an unrefrigerated water bottle in a supermarket- unpleasant to drink but stunning to swim in.
We ordered tuna sushi and chicken goujons for lunch, both of which impressed. Lucas got a pint and I got a peng rum cocktail called a swallow. Great presentation, better taste.
Around 4, we left after various conversations on politics and ethics. We got home and got changed, now we're about to head into town for an explore with Chris.
Town is so beautiful; the old town is mesmerising, covered in tasteful graffiti and history. We got souvlaki, a Greek fast food, then went to an incredible bar.
Babak, moments before getting the most drunk I’ve ever seen him.
We went home and Babak got paraplegic drunk and is now chucking in the toilet. Lucas and Chris hit it off. The balcony is a vibe. Borat (editor’s note: I believe this was the night during which I watched the horse is like a man sketch that has come to define my online presence. How momentous!)
Bwo was faded.
We’d planned to go to Ayia Napa today, but we were too hungover, so we're at the beach about to get calamari and coffee. The food was delicious and the coffee was a kind I’d never had before called a fredo, an iced espresso which was surprisingly good, incredibly refreshing and a great pallette cleanser.
“I think Lucas has a nicer butt.” Chris wrote that but its true. A genuine bubble butt. I would hit that.
We chilled at the apartment for a while, then showered ready for the tavern tonight. We're meeting Chris' boyfriend, so I'm nervous. Babak just straight up poured water on the floor, he wasn't even aiming for a glass, he's just a moron.
This was the Teverna. I don’t know why I had nothing to say about it, though I seem to remember it being lovely.
We’re in Larnaca now. I spent the bus journey here watching Filthy Frank videos with Chris. The water sparkles like the Seine, glistening as though diamond. I'm drinking a frappe, another kind of Cypriot coffee, though I prefer the fredo. Boy! Sure is a hot one today.
We chilled at the beach in Larnaca for a bit. We were planning to get the bus to Napa but a taxi offered to take us for 4 euro each in half the time, so obviously we did that. The drive was like a mobile sauna with the windows blowing hot air in our faces for 30 mins in a Borat style taxi that was falling apart.
Currently, we’re sat in Nissi beach Ayia Napa. The other three are in the water and I’m watching our shit. The water is crystal clear blue and shimmering beautifully. I can't wait to get in. I got some calamari first then took a dip. It was like pool water, clear blue and softly bobbing, easily the best beach I've been to.
You can understand why us british love to ruin it. We spent most of the day either swimming or chewing the fat on the sun loungers. Its 7.30 now and we're on the bus back to larnaca. Chris is lying across the three of us since she couldn't fit her legs in the seat, and she bounces a solid few inches in the air every time we go over a bump. We met a nice Lithuanian lady who'd moved here to be an air hostess two months ago; talking to her killed time. Tonight we're planning to vibe again, maybe hit a bar, just generally have a giggle if you will.
We got a beer in Larnaca and chilled at the beach. Chris keeps telling Lucas he has a beautiful cock because I said “nice cock bro” is the nicest compliment. I hope I haven’t started something here (editor’s note: the name of our Instagram group-chat, to this day, remains “that’s a mighty beautiful cock”).
We’re on the bus back to Limassol now.
Once we got home, we started drinking and the alcohol hit me in a negative way. I’m not drunk just low. I think its whiskey that does it to be honest. Oh well, the others are happy. Lucas is so pissed. He’s being a freako which is annoying me a lot. I fancy a nap honestly. Heading to the beach again tomorrow. They keep speaking Greek and shit man. Ah (editor’s note: I am such a grumpy sod.)
I just woke up. I’m off to buy some milk in a second because I’m starving and need cereal. I had a shower and waited for the others, then bought milk, ice and deodorant, but forgot toilet roll, so its napkins for us again. We had cereal and eggs for breakfast, then headed to a wing place for lunch. Chris, Eirini, Lucas and I got bourbon BBQ wings and Babak got one portion of very hot, one of "atomic". He plans to return later to try out the 1 million challenge, eating 10 mega hot wings in 2 minutes. We're at the marina beach bar now; its the most picturesque bar we've been to thus far. It has a classic blue and white colour scheme and is set on a man-made beach surrounded by millionaire's beach houses.
Cyprus- The Most Based Country on Earth?
We walked into the marina to get food, then went home. Chris has a party tonight so we're alone, but she booked a rooftop bar above TGI Fridays for us. On arrival, we discovered that the bar had been shut for 2 weeks and Chris had booked TGI’s, so we ventured elsewhere. We ended up at a bar, admired the scenery, had a drink and left. Afterwards we searched for a club that was open and didn't require a booking, but to no avail. We're walking back home now and some piece of shit kid and his dad pulled up next to us in a car, pointed and laughed. I would remorselessly beat the bricks out of that bitch kid then maim his dad in front of his eyes. I'd happily rip his arms off, the stupid cunt (editor’s note: where was this rage really coming from, Max?). I was getting sleepy, but some chewing gum and my hatred for that child has revived me. We're going for a late night dip now, should be pleasurable.
It’s a bit of a covert op; night swimming is not permitted in the pool, but we're badasses. We dipped then dipped for the beach, where we lay on loungers stargazing and listening to X, Lil Peep and Pink Floyd. My mind is always racing, I quite fancy some peace right about now.
I got up around 11. Chris was high as balls and kept sending me gibberish during her party. She said "if we go to Paphos" then just left it at that, no further explanation. In the morning, she told me her boyfriend Chris would take us to Paphos, but said we had to go to a café in town first. We discussed education, then Chris picked us up. On the way to Paphos, we played the grocery game, i-spy and categories.
Chris took us to this nature walk. It was very ‘127 hours’- narrow paths flanked by steep cliff faces and suspended boulders.
We walked for an hour with no water or sun cream, so I'll probably have heat stroke, but I'm good right now. We bought five water bottles and Lucas wouldn’t let me have any of his ice water. I now dislike him. We’re currently sat at a stunning beach bar drinking a passionfruit mojito and a water whilst we discuss accents. Chris is nasty when she’s dehydrated, she keeps telling me no one cares. I plan to drown her. Babak is doing borat again.
We're discussing men's physiques again. We went for a dip in the Paphos sea, it was incredibly wavy and we engaged in our usual wave shenanigans. I'd say the sea was calmer than hells mouth and had nothing on Biarritz, but it was pretty rough nonetheless.
This is me in the aforementioned waves. I imagine it looked a bit like this when Aphrodite was formed from Paphos sea foam.
We came home went for dinner at a sort of American diner place, which was nice. The portions were huge and the conversations flowed in spite of our fatigue. Ideally, Christiana would have hung out at ours after but alas she was too tired so we slept.
In the morning, I showered, woke up the gents and Chris dropped off Chris. We chilled for 30 minutes, then her dad picked us up to take us to his house. On the way, we stopped at a butcher’s. Butchers here treat you like royalty; they bring you inside and give you coffee and conversation.
Chris' house is miles away from town, up in the mountains.
The view from Christiana’s front garden.
Its probably the most beautiful house I've ever been in. There’s a quaint but jaw-dropping garden with a bar, barbecue, outdoor sofa, dining table and hammock.
It’s tastefully decorated with travel trinkets, beer signs, greenery and even a water fall. The live laugh love sign tops it all off. The whole house is covered in art; both Chris and her Dad's. She's really incredible, her art from when she was 9 is better than most A-Level students. I'm stunned honestly. Her room is double the size of mine and she claims its small. Its basically an art studio.
Her dad is called Andreas and he seems like a stand-up guy. He speaks good English, but he's busy cooking. Her mum is charming, her English is poor but she makes an effort anyway. She refreshingly honest, so very Cypriot. When Chris told her we were all English she replied "But they're all different colours." She then referred to Babak as chocolate and me as milk, which was sad. I don’t think my skin is like milk, maybe very weak tea at a push.
I chatted with Chris' mum whilst the boys played Tavli, or backgammon. I've never played before, Lucas has played a fair bit and Babak has played once or twice. In Cyrpus they play it as much as we play cards or chess, and Chris is the best of her family and friends. She obviously butt-fucked both of them. She moves as if without thinking but everything is calculated 3 moves ahead. I knew she wasn't just a pretty face but she's on another level, a genius on my own level perhaps, except quicker with her arithmetic (editor’s note: my ego problem has still not dissipated).
All of a sudden, her mum grabbed my arm and told me to follow her. Chris was pissing herself and just told me to go. I obliged and she explained that we were walking to her cousins’ house to get some fresh cheesecake. Her cousin feeds stray cats, so of course there were 6 of them sat by the door. We went in and I did my best to greet her cousin and aunt, though neither spoke a word of English and her aunt was essentially deaf. I hugged them both, smiled, collected the cake and dashed.
Upon my return, I played tavli against the master. I thought I was doing ok, trying to learn the rules and get the hang of it, but Chris, being Chris, spent the whole game gloating. I didn't show it much but I was so frustrated. I hate being bad at things, its not a good look on me. Babak wouldn't shut the fuck up telling me what to do and Chris kept making moves that made no sense to me. Whenever I asked her to explain how she did it she'd lose her mind telling me what happened before she realised there was yet another rule she hadn't told me. She raw-dogged me violently before laughing in my face, saying I play like a child and that her brain hurt from how slow I am. I explained that her beating me was like beating a quadruple amputee at football then gloating, but it didn't stop her. Admittedly it stung, so I plan to beat the shit out of her at some point in the future. In tavli, not with my fists. Maybe.
Chris is now playing tavli with her lovely friend Marina who is equally quick witted. 3 games for them takes as long as 1 for me. They just pelt dice across the board and dot their pieces about.
Chris' dad made goat souvla and halloumi with pita. The halloumi is so different from how it is at home, saltier and far softer without the rubberiness. It’s infinitely better in any case. This was the first time I'd had goat and I have to say it was far better than expected; like lamb without the guilt.
When Chris' mum brought out the food, she put the salad in front of me and said "only for you, you are on diet". I played it off but obviously it was upsetting, regardless of whether she meant any harm, which of course she didn't because she's seems a kind soul.
We drank 3 or 4 shots of Cypriot over-proof moonshine. It’s shockingly smooth and vastly superior to vodka. Also had some homemade shisha, which I enjoyed. Half white grape, half black grape. Gray grape, if you will.
Afterwards, Chris showed us around her little village, quiet and quaint, the Heaton Moor of Limassol.
By the end of the day, my tavli skills had grown so exponentially that I managed to beat Babak comfortably. I finally got to ask him if he was Jewish, a Cypriot expression that you use when you've guaranteed a win in tavli; like check mate, I suppose.
We're in the car coming home now and Chris has just booked us a taxi for tomorrow. It'll be hard to leave, I think.
At home we drank, listened to music, watched amine edits and waited for Chris to pick us up. We went back to Chris' favoirite marina bar and waited for a table for about 5 minutes. Babak spent most of the time showing Chris gore and funny videos, which she seemed to appreciate, until we got to our table. We chatted and drank Hugos before heading home. On the way to the car, Christiana reiterated her love for Lucas' bubble-butt, telling me she'd tap it, to which I responded "I’d dive into it head-first like Tom Daily" (no gay joke intended.)
Me enjoying a Hugo.
Again we chilled and vibed to Frank Ocean’s ‘Blonde’. As they were leaving, we said bye to Chris (Chris’s boyfriend) until we next saw him in Lancaster (editor’s note: Christiana and Christophoros met at high school in Cyprus and both decided to come to Lancaster University, where I met Christiana. Around two months after this holiday, Christiana broke up with Christophoros.) What a stand up guy, really. Christiana is having a wisdom tooth removed tomorrow, but we hope to see her anyway.
The next morning, Chris came back from her surgery. She wasn't high, just chilled and slurring her words a bit. She could only eat soft food but had to wait 2 hours first. I cooked scrambled eggs for myself and the gents; Chris repeatedly told me she wanted some, and I repeatedly reminded her she couldn't eat yet. She was so desperate for soft breakfast food that we decided to go for brunch. We went to a very fancy place with indoor water features and such. I had pizza, Chris had pancakes, Babak had edamame beans and Lucas had avocado toast. Obviously Chris didn't finish hers. Babak had a staggering number of beans before giving up. We now plan to go to the wing place so he can try the 1 million.
Babak, moments before devouring a bowl of beans.
We did not go in the end. Instead we hit Chris' favourite beach bar Guaba. its like a cooler, larger McDonalds jungle gym, decorated like a jungle. The loungers were free and we only got water so it was a relatively cheap stay. Chris and I had deep chats on the sun loungers as I lathered myself in carrot tanning oil (editor’s note: these deep chats were entirely focused on how much we both wanted to break up with our respective significant others). Once it'd dried off, Babak and I took a dip in what was almost chilly water. Chris waved to us, pointed at Lucas' ass and made a face of admiration. Upon our return, we found Lucas and Chris bonding further. Shock. (Editor’s note: nothing ever happened between Lucas and Chris, but they had a funny little mutual crush on this trip. We tease them about it endlessly.)
On the way home, we picked up pasta sauce, meat and lemon juice (for my cuba libres). Right outside the store, a stray cat was nursing its litter of tiny kittens that could hardly move. I nearly screamed in delight.
When we got back I started the pasta, made some drinks and began packing while Chris showed us her music. The atmosphere was tender and solemn, none of us really want to split up. There were plenty of reassurances that we'd all see each other soon and I truly hope that's the case.
We ate the pasta, packed, drank and showered in time for the taxi, then loaded our things and said our goodbyes. As hard as she pretends to be, I think Chris may have been close to tears. Cutie; it beats her simple ‘bye Max’ from Paris. Sometimes spending a lot of time with someone over a short period can highlight or aggravate underlying problems, but I sincerely feel my affection for her has grown exponentially over the course of the week. What an incredible girl.
In the taxi, our solemnity grew further as we discussed the week and our return home. The journey seemed much shorter this time as we arrived 15 minutes earlier than planned and had gotten through customs by the time we had intended to arrive. Lucas decided to bring some Cypriot booze home. Though, being Lucas, he had to fuck something up, so he dropped a huge bottle of ouzo in the centre of duty free and stank out the room. After hastily attempting to clean it up, he gave up, bought a new one and followed me to a nearby seating area in which I'm updating this journal.
I started watching 7 Deadly Sins on the plane on Chris' recommendation. I’m enjoying it so far (editor’s note: it’s crap). I think I’m too tired to read; especially to read Beckett, who's a brain fuck at the best of times, I'll try to rest for a while since I'm off to Birmingham tomorrow morning. Maybe some jaeger will help, we'll see. I may have slept, I’m unsure. Regardless, I spent the rest of the flight doing nothing. On our landing we showed our return passes then waited in line for border control. About the only remarkable thing that happened was that a twenty something girl told me to stay away from her in the line, as she was trying to socially distance.
In conclusion, I plan to return to Cyprus next year and I feel I've facilitated the development of 2 lifelong friendships. Not bad for 200 quid. As always, bring on Cyprus 2.
